Finding Forgiveness and Healing

The past 6 months have been a long, hard road for me and my family.  You know how life is going along as normal and then out of no where you are knocked off your foundations?  Yeah, that is sort of how it happened for us.  For the past 6 months I've been trying to find forgiveness for those who attacked us mercilessly, spread gossip like wildfire and 90% of it was not even close to truth, threw barbs at my kids, and were just extremely hurtful and caused a lot of pain and questioning of everything I believed in to my very core, my faith in God and the church itself.  You see these people were not unbelievers, they were my brothers and sisters in Christ.  It was a very, very, very poor example of how the church should be, but we are human and sometimes the church does eat its own.   I've heard that statement a million times from those who have walked away from the church because of this very thing.  I've been hurt by church people in the past, but I have never experienced this level of pain, and vicious behavior before.  My scars from this battle run deep and I will be honest I did not always act like I should.  When they inflicted pain on my kids the gloves did come off, they hit me in my weakest spot.  You never come after my kids and spread lies, and gossip about them and think you will walk away from that battle unscathed.  Much less try to destroy their parents in their eyes.  Unfortunately though, I walked away with the deeper scars.

I could bare my soul and tell you the entire sordid story, but then what purpose does that serve really?  After all of this went down Eddie was the very one who insisted that we turn it all around and find a new church home.  For me, that was the absolute last thing I wanted to do.  I went to him and told him I needed time, I was not sure how long I needed, but at the time 6 months at least seemed reasonable.  He said ok, that was it, he held my hand, let me cry and share my heart and then just kissed my hand and said ok.  He never demanded that I go with him to church and he knows that I have been less of a leader in getting the kids up and out the door on the days he has been at work.  What he would do is get up and gently prod me to get ready and just try another church.  So I did.  We were invited to visit a church where we had some friends.  It took everything I had to walk through the doors of the church and for the first time in my life I understood what a friend said to me once, "sitting in church for me is like sitting in hell", she had been treated very badly by the church once herself.  I cried through most of that service and was all to happy to be in the back.  Of course anyone who knows God, I mean truly knows God, He loves His children and He alone knows how deeply battered my heart truly is and bad it hurt at that moment.  When the pastor started speaking everything he said was like balm to my wounds, it was like he knew I would be there and he knew the words I needed to hear, but he didn't know I would be there, he didn't even know who I was.  So I kept going back and it was the same thing each time, I felt like each message was directed at my heart and how I had to forgive, I had to heal.  Bri kept commenting on how I always sat in the back and only spoke to those we knew, I didn't really try to expand myself beyond that.  She also commented on how I kept encouraging her to find connections in youth, but I was not doing that.  I simply told her I couldn't right now.  The reason I couldn't, I didn't trust them with my heart it was too battered and bruised and I couldn't bare anymore hurt on it at that moment.  I came in, sat in the back and left as soon as it was over.  I know my kids were hurt, but I also know kids, even the young adult kid, can be very resilient, but I'm not naive enough to think they have no scars or pain.  I also know know this entire thing has wounded Alex and he is not bouncing back as quickly as Bri.  I have put it in God's hands because I know He has this.

So, here we are 6 months down the road.  I have not taken a 6 month hiatus from church, though my attendance may not be stellar, I have been more than I haven't been.  I have even reached out and made a few connections within the body.  I have not really involved myself in the ministry of the church, but I know I will in time, but I still have healing to do.  I missed Sunday's sermon, but I did go back and listen to some of it and I was there Wednesday.  They have been very powerful messages to me which has started this entire reflection.  God brought to my mind this morning how 6 months have passed, I'm still breathing, life is returning to normal, and I even feel better equipped if I get a sniper attack out of the blue, and yes that does happen about once a month, sometimes two.  God reminded me of what a friend said to me as I cried and bared my heart to her one afternoon.  She looked me in the eyes and said do you ever think God stirred the water to cause you to leave a situation He didn't want you in?  That He knew you hated change and would not make the change if He didn't stir the water?  She also told me that she didn't think it was all God though she definitely could see the handiwork of Satan in some of the viciousness of the entire affair.  I was reflecting on that stirring of the water and I do think she was on to something.  While I was sitting in church last night I realized that I really was happy that we were there and that I was really thankful for the powerful messages the pastor has been preaching.  He is young, in fact I could probably be his mother, but he has the spirit of God on him and God is using him in a powerful way.  I have learned a lot from him and I absolutely love the youthfulness of the services.  I'm not bothered by the age thing, in fact I'm reminded that Timothy was young too, but just look how God used him.  God is not a respecter of people which means the age thing is our hang up not God's.  Let's face another cold, hard fact, in most churches the pastors are close to my age and most will start to retire so my pastors will get younger and younger to me.  It's just a fact of life, but we can learn a lot from our youth if we will just open our ears and listen.  Don't let the age of the pastor stop you, or his way of preaching stop you, or the people in the church who may be the biggest hypocrites you will ever encounter stop you.  Instead look deeper and find what God is saying to your spirit through these different people.  Now my question is, "God, I know you allowed this happen for a reason and I know you turn everything into good for me.  How can I use this experience to help others?"  The message I get most is in time you will see My plan in all this, but for now let your spirit heal and continue to forgive.  For me, the forgiveness is a daily thing, but a very necessary thing.  I know I have forgiven them, but sometimes I'm reminded of the hurt inflicted and I have to go to God and ask Him to give me the strength I need to continue in this walk of forgiveness.  In all honesty, that happens daily.  God continues to remind me that forgiving is more about me than it will ever be about them.

I felt the need to share this today.  It was not something I had on my mind to share, but I believe God uses things in our lives to help others and I feel that maybe, just maybe somebody was in need of hearing this.  I hope it blesses you in someway.  Be gentle with those around you, because you really never know what another person is going through at that moment.  The greatest weapon we have in this world is to love others, yet in our world it is often looked upon as a weakness.  Be slow to judge others, but quick to love them right where they are.  After all God did that for us, and does that for us everyday.

May you walk in God's love each and every day,

Lisa