Finding Forgiveness and Healing

The past 6 months have been a long, hard road for me and my family.  You know how life is going along as normal and then out of no where you are knocked off your foundations?  Yeah, that is sort of how it happened for us.  For the past 6 months I've been trying to find forgiveness for those who attacked us mercilessly, spread gossip like wildfire and 90% of it was not even close to truth, threw barbs at my kids, and were just extremely hurtful and caused a lot of pain and questioning of everything I believed in to my very core, my faith in God and the church itself.  You see these people were not unbelievers, they were my brothers and sisters in Christ.  It was a very, very, very poor example of how the church should be, but we are human and sometimes the church does eat its own.   I've heard that statement a million times from those who have walked away from the church because of this very thing.  I've been hurt by church people in the past, but I have never experienced this level of pain, and vicious behavior before.  My scars from this battle run deep and I will be honest I did not always act like I should.  When they inflicted pain on my kids the gloves did come off, they hit me in my weakest spot.  You never come after my kids and spread lies, and gossip about them and think you will walk away from that battle unscathed.  Much less try to destroy their parents in their eyes.  Unfortunately though, I walked away with the deeper scars.

I could bare my soul and tell you the entire sordid story, but then what purpose does that serve really?  After all of this went down Eddie was the very one who insisted that we turn it all around and find a new church home.  For me, that was the absolute last thing I wanted to do.  I went to him and told him I needed time, I was not sure how long I needed, but at the time 6 months at least seemed reasonable.  He said ok, that was it, he held my hand, let me cry and share my heart and then just kissed my hand and said ok.  He never demanded that I go with him to church and he knows that I have been less of a leader in getting the kids up and out the door on the days he has been at work.  What he would do is get up and gently prod me to get ready and just try another church.  So I did.  We were invited to visit a church where we had some friends.  It took everything I had to walk through the doors of the church and for the first time in my life I understood what a friend said to me once, "sitting in church for me is like sitting in hell", she had been treated very badly by the church once herself.  I cried through most of that service and was all to happy to be in the back.  Of course anyone who knows God, I mean truly knows God, He loves His children and He alone knows how deeply battered my heart truly is and bad it hurt at that moment.  When the pastor started speaking everything he said was like balm to my wounds, it was like he knew I would be there and he knew the words I needed to hear, but he didn't know I would be there, he didn't even know who I was.  So I kept going back and it was the same thing each time, I felt like each message was directed at my heart and how I had to forgive, I had to heal.  Bri kept commenting on how I always sat in the back and only spoke to those we knew, I didn't really try to expand myself beyond that.  She also commented on how I kept encouraging her to find connections in youth, but I was not doing that.  I simply told her I couldn't right now.  The reason I couldn't, I didn't trust them with my heart it was too battered and bruised and I couldn't bare anymore hurt on it at that moment.  I came in, sat in the back and left as soon as it was over.  I know my kids were hurt, but I also know kids, even the young adult kid, can be very resilient, but I'm not naive enough to think they have no scars or pain.  I also know know this entire thing has wounded Alex and he is not bouncing back as quickly as Bri.  I have put it in God's hands because I know He has this.

So, here we are 6 months down the road.  I have not taken a 6 month hiatus from church, though my attendance may not be stellar, I have been more than I haven't been.  I have even reached out and made a few connections within the body.  I have not really involved myself in the ministry of the church, but I know I will in time, but I still have healing to do.  I missed Sunday's sermon, but I did go back and listen to some of it and I was there Wednesday.  They have been very powerful messages to me which has started this entire reflection.  God brought to my mind this morning how 6 months have passed, I'm still breathing, life is returning to normal, and I even feel better equipped if I get a sniper attack out of the blue, and yes that does happen about once a month, sometimes two.  God reminded me of what a friend said to me as I cried and bared my heart to her one afternoon.  She looked me in the eyes and said do you ever think God stirred the water to cause you to leave a situation He didn't want you in?  That He knew you hated change and would not make the change if He didn't stir the water?  She also told me that she didn't think it was all God though she definitely could see the handiwork of Satan in some of the viciousness of the entire affair.  I was reflecting on that stirring of the water and I do think she was on to something.  While I was sitting in church last night I realized that I really was happy that we were there and that I was really thankful for the powerful messages the pastor has been preaching.  He is young, in fact I could probably be his mother, but he has the spirit of God on him and God is using him in a powerful way.  I have learned a lot from him and I absolutely love the youthfulness of the services.  I'm not bothered by the age thing, in fact I'm reminded that Timothy was young too, but just look how God used him.  God is not a respecter of people which means the age thing is our hang up not God's.  Let's face another cold, hard fact, in most churches the pastors are close to my age and most will start to retire so my pastors will get younger and younger to me.  It's just a fact of life, but we can learn a lot from our youth if we will just open our ears and listen.  Don't let the age of the pastor stop you, or his way of preaching stop you, or the people in the church who may be the biggest hypocrites you will ever encounter stop you.  Instead look deeper and find what God is saying to your spirit through these different people.  Now my question is, "God, I know you allowed this happen for a reason and I know you turn everything into good for me.  How can I use this experience to help others?"  The message I get most is in time you will see My plan in all this, but for now let your spirit heal and continue to forgive.  For me, the forgiveness is a daily thing, but a very necessary thing.  I know I have forgiven them, but sometimes I'm reminded of the hurt inflicted and I have to go to God and ask Him to give me the strength I need to continue in this walk of forgiveness.  In all honesty, that happens daily.  God continues to remind me that forgiving is more about me than it will ever be about them.

I felt the need to share this today.  It was not something I had on my mind to share, but I believe God uses things in our lives to help others and I feel that maybe, just maybe somebody was in need of hearing this.  I hope it blesses you in someway.  Be gentle with those around you, because you really never know what another person is going through at that moment.  The greatest weapon we have in this world is to love others, yet in our world it is often looked upon as a weakness.  Be slow to judge others, but quick to love them right where they are.  After all God did that for us, and does that for us everyday.

May you walk in God's love each and every day,

Lisa

The Spoken Word

Do you know how important the words you speak are?  God has really impressed that on me over the past couple of years.  I learned from an early age choosing your words wisely was always good and wise, though I've not always been good to follow that.  I grew up with the "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me", but the reality is words hurt worse than stones.  Sure stones can do serious damage, but as a child words said to me still leave a sting and a bruise on my heart.  I had a really hard time with acne growing up, I was my daughter's age 13, when my face was so broken out with pimples and blackheads.  I washed my face, I saw a dermatologist, but nothing really helped except to grow out of it.  I still hate seeing pictures of me at that age, but not for the reasons you may think.  A group of girls at school used to play off my maiden name and call me "Horrow" all the time, and say "you are so ugly you look like a horror show", those words stung and did not do much for my self esteem either.  As a parent my own kids have had acne troubles and I have helped them as much as I possibly could.  To my knowledge they have never gone through what I did with other kids, but I know it's tough on the self esteem sometimes, especially for my daughter.  I have used the lessons I learned to try and help my kids navigate through this.  For me, personally, I would have rather had stones thrown at me, than the daily verbal abuse flung at me.  I still see these girls in my memories and I remember how mean they were, but somehow I wanted them to like me.  Fast forward several years, and God has used those moments to impress on me the importance of our words.  Not just words spoken that can hurt, but words that I speak that can hurt my life and well being.  Of course I don't intentionally set out to hurt my own life, but when I speak negatively in a situation I do just that.  I have tested this and its true.  That is not to say nothing bad ever happens to me because it does.  I live in a fallen world and bad things do happen to good people for no apparent reason.  Of course I believe that things do happen for a reason, but we don't always see the reason right away.  In the hardships of my life I learn something in each situation, and I think it makes me more sensitive to others when they go through tough times.  While Eddie and I struggled through our financial problems over the past years, we gave to others when God impressed that upon us, sometimes money, sometimes clothes, sometimes food and it was truly not something we had in abundance but God always repaid us more than we gave.  Every time I looked at my finances I would say it will get better, we will make it through this week, we will have the grocery money we need, our finances will improve.  You know what?  They did and on those darkest days, I would go to the mailbox and there would be a check or someone would hand me groceries, or even clothes.  We never went hungry, we never went around in rags and we never got behind on our house, electricity or water. God is faithful to His Word, and I quoted His Word in my prayers and still do. 

Lisa

Back Up and Punt

Some of you may wonder what possessed me to decide to blog.  Did I not have anyone to share thoughts with or just like to randomly share my thoughts with a bunch of people.  Most of you know I do love to talk with people.  I find people very interesting and enjoy talking with a number of people.  Subjecting people to my ramblings without any ability to join in is not my goal.  Some of you know I blogged several years ago.  Mostly that blog was about my family and what we were up to.  Sometimes I shared what God was laying on my heart or showing me through my daily activities.  That blog was born more out of my parents telling me that they wanted to know more about our homeschool adventures.  I may link it to this blog and you can see it.  I was looking at it as I prepared to start this blog and all I have is; wow have my kids grown!  Mom and dad were my biggest fans on that blog, second only to Eddie who was traveling and working a lot during those days.  They all looked with great anticipation for the next installment.  When dad died, it sort of took the wind out of my sails for awhile and returning to something I knew dad would talk to me about was not on my list.  Of course I knew that others enjoyed it, but I had facebook to share the pics and information on.  Now 3 years down the road, God laid this on my heart again.  This time along with what may be going on with us though God wanted me to share my heart more.  He talks to me a lot in my daily life, in the simple, mundane daily living is where I often find God teaching me some lesson.  Some of you may read it and think its simple, you knew that, or what is she thinking.  You honestly would not be the first, but this my heart and it is not easy for me to share it with you.  I often cry while I type and I only share because if I don't God simply will not let me sleep.  If you know me well enough you know I love to sleep and no sleep makes me grumpy and then I get another lesson from God....see the slippery slope I get on.  So I chose the name of my blog based on the Wisdom from God and the Whimsy of me and my daily life...Wisdom and Whimsy.  God has been laying a couple of things on my heart and I honestly have no idea how I will do some of them.  You know I'm not overflowing with free time, but God keeps telling me He will make it happen.  I don't know about you, but I do find myself arguing with God a lot.  I'm glad He is patient, loving, and kind to me or the earth just might open up and swallow me up. 

So who am I and what does my life look like?  Well, I'm a wife of 26 years to my best friend, Eddie.  We have had many trials through our marriage and are currently coming out of one of the roughest periods ever I think.  I may share that with you another time.  I'm also a mom of two pretty awesome kids, at least in my opinion, but what mom does not think that about her kids.  My oldest, Alex, is 20 and trying to find his path in life.  He has a pretty good head on his shoulders and has surrounded himself with some Godly people who talk to him and help him in this walk of his life.  He has certainly caused me a few gray hairs through the years and you will probably hear about some of them too. My youngest, Brianna, but more often called Bri (you pronounce it like Brie) hey I'm a Southern girl so just go with me.  She is a spunky 13 year old who usually believes she has all the secrets to life.  Then there is the zoo, two dogs who are my 4-legged kids (at least they think so).  One is a mutt and we call her Sugar, and the other is a Westie we call Lacy and she keeps everybody in line because she believes she is the boss.  We also have a turtle named Lilly who is happy to just swim around, two hermit crabs who mostly don't care what we do, and a hedgehog who only plays at night unless Alex lets him run around the house.  When the hedgehog runs around though, Lacy follows it.  I told you she is the boss, nothing happens on her watch without her.  We live in the country among some very interesting people who add much color to my world and not always in a good way.

I'm also a daughter to my mom.  I try to be a good daughter and show her love and compassion and spend time with her, but I often fail in these pursuits.  Mom and I love each other, but we have had a struggle since I was young.  We often don't see things the same way, but don't mistake that as a weakness we still love each other very much.  We may fight among ourselves, but I would defend my mother against anyone who tried to hurt her.  In other words, I can pick at her but you best leave her alone! I'm also a sister to my two brothers.  My relationship with one is complicated at best, but I believe that when he decides to give God his life, God will change him and heal many things in his life.  To me his entire life is complicated and it just does not have to be that way.  My other brother and I have a good relationship and I enjoy spending time with him and his family.  I'm an aunt to a 14 year old young lady named Shelby, she tends to be shy and quiet much like her dad was when he was younger, but I love her dearly though I don't get to see her much.  I'm also an aunt to a lively 5 year old named Carson.  He likes to play super hero with me as the bad guy.  I think he sees me as much younger than I am because he loves to slam into me and attack me.  I used to be pretty good at deflecting that, but he can just about take me down now, and he certainly can tire me much quicker than Alex did.  I do refuse to believe its just age though.  I'm also the sister-in-law to two pretty awesome ladies.  They try to keep my brothers in line and that is not an easy task.

As for who I am, this is what defines my life.  I'm a Christian girl who was saved at the age of 13.  My faith is who I am, it is not the church I go to or the doctrines of any religion, but simply my life and faith in God.  My faith defines my life. That does not mean I'm perfect and that you will never see me do something that is not very nice.  I'm forgiven much and try to forgive others much as well, but I do screw up and if you hang around me long enough you see the very ugly side of me sometimes.  I have friends from many walks of life and they don't all see faith and God in the same way I do.  I love each of them and respect them for who they are, but if your my friend I will lift you in prayer to God even if you don't believe in my God because He believes in you.  I love my family with all my heart and would jump in front of a train to save them.  They are what gives me strength to get up each day and live this wild and wacky thing I call my life.  We have been through many things as a family, though mostly Eddie and I deflected the bullets and arrows that were aimed at us and I'm sure God has deflected many I may never know of, but we still bare many battle scars and out of that is where God will speak to many so many times.  I'm a stay at home, homeschooling mom, which really means, I'm rarely home unless you call my car home.  If you call me friend then I hope you know I care very much about what is going on in your life.  Though I may not see my friends everyday I carry them in my heart, in my prayers, and in my thoughts.  Life tends to take me on twists and turns which causes me to not to be able to stay in constant contact with them as much as I would like, but I'm always happy when we find our way back.  I hate change and it is very hard when things change.  Change is not bad, its just difficult for me to transition through.  You will probably see this as my life has been in transition for about 3 years now and God has taught me much during that time.  I honestly have not taken some of it with much grace and peace as I should have.  Translation, I cry a lot and ask God "what are you thinking here"?  Like I said, God gives me much grace and I try to follow that example in my daily life with others.  So that is how I got here.  I hope you enjoy the time with me as you read this blog and maybe learn some nuggets of truth for yourself.

Blessings to you and yours,

Lisa

A Mother's Heart

When I became a mom 20 years ago so many things changed for me.  I know that goes without saying to all you moms, but so much was learned in that instant as well.  I remember the day my son was born a clearly as though it were yesterday.  When he was born I remember thinking about God's sacrifice for us.  How He sent His only son to die for me and for you.  Could I make that sacrifice?  Absolutely not!  I found a love inside me I never knew existed and I think for the first time in my life I realized God's love for me.  As I have traveled the road of motherhood I often look at the sacrifices mother's made throughout history and throughout the Bible. The big standouts for me are Hannah and Mary.   Hannah, barren and begging God for a child promised her child to God if He would just bless her with a child.  She followed through with that promise taking Samuel, her gift from God, to the temple when he was 12 and leaving him.  So of course when Alex turned 12 I again thought about that.  Could I do that?  No God, I don't think I could do that.  Now fast forward to where I am today.  I have a grown son on my hands and I think of Mary, the mother of Jesus.  What was she thinking as her son, the promised Messiah turned 20.  Did she know the full impact of the sacrifice she agreed to when she told Gabriel she was God's servant as a young virgin.  Of course she knew His conception was immaculate, she took the risk of being stoned to death when she told Gabriel she was God's servant.  Do you realize if Joseph had turned his back on her she could have been stoned to death?  Do you realize the humiliation she must have endured at the hands of others who did not believe her and thought some really bad things about her?  Those times are NOTHING like today's times where we pretty much accept unwed mothers.  That was not the case in those days.  Of course Joseph married her and saved her reputation and her life, but she and Joseph let it be known that this child was not Joseph's son but in fact God's son.  Don't you think people thought they were crazy?  So the early day's of life as the chosen vessel of God were not easy ones no doubt.  She was so blessed though over and over in her life and even in the memories of man today she is considered the "blessed Mother of God".  At 20 years of age though what was Mary thinking?  She knew He was the promised Messiah, after all at 12 we have a glimpse of Jesus in the temple where Mary found him.  I'm sure she gained a few gray hairs looking for her child that was not where she thought He should be.  He told her when she found Him that He was about His Father's business.  So of course we know she knew who she was dealing with.  Did she know the very sacrifice she would eventually have to make?  Yes, I know she did because all of the prophecy pointed to the sacrifice.  So she looks at her 20 year old son knowing that he is quickly coming of age, she may not know at what time or age this will all occur, but I believe she knew and she accepted it.  That is some serious trust and faith in God, not to mention sacrifice for her very belief in God.  So could I do that?  Could you?  He became a sacrifice for all people even the very woman who gave birth to Him.  He saved her!  Do you see how profound that is?  The very mother who helped Him come into this world, take His first steps, kissed His skinned knees, and the countless things that a mother does as her child grows up.  Doing all of this knowing she was dealing with the Messiah.  Could I give my son as a sacrifice and show the love God did for all humanity?  Of course not, and thankfully God does not call us to do that, but just think of the love God had for us because He did, and Mary accepted her call.  God does call me to guide my children as they grow and as they grow up to set them free to become all that God has created them for.  Letting them go is not always easy though and has been met with a struggle on more than one occasion for me.  God gives me grace for each step and slowly I learn how to make that step into a new phase of motherhood, one of letting my oldest go and become who he was created to be and knowing I have given him all I could to become that person.  Now I fade into the background a bit more, but I'm still there to help him mend his broken heart or bruised spirit when the world beats him down.  More importantly though I've pointed him the direction of his Savior who loves him even more than I do and can guide and protect him in ways I never can.   One day I will no longer be here, but God will always be there.  I think that is the most important thing I can leave with my children, the knowledge of a God a who loves them so much He sent his only son to die for them!  I hope one day they will see just how deep that love was and completely sacrificial that love was, even more sacrificial than my love for them.  I'm not sure I could ever be a Mary or a Hannah, but I know that in 20 years God has definitely expanded my faith, trust, and love.  He also poured a lot of grace in my efforts of being the mom He called me to be.

Lisa